Wednesday, 17 February 2010


Usually I write about business topics but today I felt moved to write about something more personal. Firstly, because as a mum in business you can't separate the two and secondly, because I always feel like if I'm thinking these things, there may be other mums out there feeling the same.

So there is something in my life that far outweighs the guilt of say, putting my daughter in nursery a couple of days a week or working on the computer when she wants to play and that is leaving her Dad and separating them. It gets worse though, in September I will be moving to Oz and taking her with me.

For those of you who are in a similar situation to me, you will understand the guilt associated with this move is the worst of all. To take your child away from their father. And it's probably magnified three-fold for me as I am a product of a broken home so I know exactly how it feels on all sides. I feel my pain, I feel his pain and I know all of the pain she will feel in coming years when she has to leave her Dad at the end of the holidays or when she's angry with me for something and wants his comfort. And I'm feeling it all now.

It isn't pleasant, it is sometimes debilitating, so how can I do it? Unfortunately, this world isn't black and white and there is no perfect answer, nor any street signs pointing me in the right direction. Every step I take is unsure and laden with doubt but I have to take a step otherwise nothing happens at all.

So first, I go with my gut. My gut has never let me down yet and I can't imagine it will start now. I have also looked at the pros and cons and thought about what I want for my daughter and I. Now, after looking at this list there is still no right answer but at least I am sure about the reasons why; like it will be a better, more outdoor lifestyle in Oz. I also know that if I stay in London I will probably have problems with depression and feel that my daughter needs a mum that is happy and healthy and not wallowing in misery.

The cons? She's not with her Dad all of the time. But I have to try and remember every time I feel like crying with frustration that I am only trying to create the best possible scenario and this is all that is in my control. I can do no more.
The other thing I always try and remember is that this will be a better life in that she won't be growing up with warring parents (as I did). And that by the time she's 18 she'll probably be living in London anyway and travelling for 10 years (as I did) and then he'll be the one getting the pleasure of all her company.

So the next time I feel the guilt come over me I'm going to remind myself that I have a good heart, that I love my daughter, that I care for my mental health, that I respect my ex and that I am doing the best I can in a world that isn't perfect.


  1. Allison

    What a heartfelt, brave and authentic post.
    Bless you and I wish you the best of luck with your move. Great to "find" you (on twitter). Off to retweet your new venture for mumpreneurs
    Amanda Alexander

  2. Please don't let guilt overshadow what you are doing.

    You have obviously thought long and hard about this decision and once you have made a decision it is done and life moves on -without guilt. I know easier said than done. Just remember that you love your daughter.

    Good luck!

  3. Thanks so much Amanda and New Day Lesson, it's little reminders like yours that help me realise that I am doing all I can. So lovely of you to comment and make me realise there is always support out there. Cheers! Alli

  4. Hey - How ironic that we think we need to be perfect when the very imperfections of our own upbringing have made us the brave, couragous and strong people we are today. I have a similar story to yours (and here I am in Sydney with my childs father in London) and I relate to the pain you mention, but I wouldn't change a single thing. Having made the leap - I am SO grateful I did it. You are an inspiring light and I think you'll motivate the pants off Aussie and your kids will eat vegemite!

  5. Speaking from the other side i have to say that i don't understand the rational. I am separated from my wife who lives less than a mile from my house, i have my daughter 3 nights per week, we share our lives, i give way above what i legally need to financially and i am a huge part of my daughters life and hers of mine. My wife went back to work when our daughter was one and i took care of her whilst working from home for 2 years before we reversed our roles. My daughter is now 5 and My wife is Canadian and she wants to return to Canada and take my daughter with her. My point is that i don't really understand what gives a mother a right to take a daughter away from a strong bond. My daughter means the world to me, i dote on her, spoil her, cherish her and don't want to be forced into being the father that isn't there nor do i believe she will become stronger because of it. She needs me in her life as i need her in mine.

  6. bless , i know how you feal as i have ywo kids but run my own printing business, it is hard to get time for the kids but theres ways of getting round it as you kow your self.