MY HUSBAND, MY DETRACTOR

Whilst in conversation with a mum the other day she told me that her husband wasn't supportive of her interest in coaching or NLP because he thought it was airy fairy.  It took me straight back.  To the many conversations and situations dotted throughout my relationship with my ex where I found myself in exactly the same position.  'Coaching was hippie'ish' 'I shouldn't expect any money to put into a business' It's great you've achieved this but what's it worth?'

I can't recall a time when I felt truly understood or supported by my ex and the reason was that he was Mr Practical and I was Mrs Passionate.  He believed that you worked to provide for your family and that if you enjoyed it, then that was a bonus.  I believed, and still do, that you only get one life and you should try to do what you truly love and makes you happy. 

This is a fab way to live life if you are single but what happens when worlds collide?  Who backs down?  Who gets to make the decisions?  Where is the compromise?  Because my partner was so traditional he assumed because he made the money (I was working part-time in a pub and looking after our daughter) he was in charge of spending it; and it wasn't on my business.  Arguments were futile as he was only interested in business plans and forecasts, as if these were the only indicators of business success.  

So, how did we work things out?  Well, I wish I could sum this blog up with a neat little tip on how to deal with a conflict like this but in the end, for he and I, there was only separation.  Our views on business and life were just too different.  I would much rather live on a modest income and pursue those things in life that make me truly happy, trusting my gut and not just the facts and figures.  And to this day I'm still running my business and I love, love, love it!

Also in this series: Leaving the Country with Daughter, but not Dad

MY LIFE; LIKE A SERVANT IN THE 'OLDEN DAYS'

I have been feeling tired today - doggone tired, tired in my bones.

I am tired of housework, kids, being responsible, always having to think three steps in advance, never being able to stop as things will just pile up, running a business, keeping up with emails, blogging, tweeting, worrying about money, trying to make to make it stretch, organising and managing...

Feeling this way made me take a longing look into the past when I was a twenty-something single gal with nothing to worry about except making it to work on time.  Weekends stretched on, holidays were bliss.  I was the epitome of footloose and fancy free. 

Now, as you can imagine, feeling tired and worn-down and reminiscing about your past isn't conducive to an upbeat frame of mind but I was saved by a revelation.  While scrubbing at the crusty dishes tonight it dawned on me that my life now had parellels to those of a servant in the 'olden days'.  Not that I am often tied up in an apron scrubbing at floors and drawing baths for people but that I am engaged in activity of some sort from very early in the morning to late at night. 

You would think this connection might sink me into a deeper depression but it had the opposite effect.  It helped me see that I am so lucky as the housework I do is in my house, I am wiping the noses of my kids, I am balancing the books on my business and I above all, I was lucky enough to choose this life.  Plus, there's also that little added bonus that my life expectancy is a hell of a lot longer!

IN BLACK AND WHITE

Bought She Magazine today.  An interview with Denise Van Outen is advertised on the cover with the words Back at Work after 2 Weeks printed under it.

I would just like to say one thing 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!'

Why, oh why, when things settle down do the media have to jump right back in and stir things up again?

'Should mothers stay at home?'

'Mothers that work damage their children'

'I gave up breastfeeding after a week!'

These and many more headlines scream out at us from the covers of magazines and newspapers every week.  Why? Because they want you to buy their offering either in a huff of indignation or feeling of self- righteousness and read all about it. 

If the two sides of the argument start throwing facts and figures, beliefs and insults about - even better!  The more controversy, the higher the sales.   

Just because it is written in black and white, however, doesn't make it black and white.  They just want you to believe it is because then you will be encouraged to weigh in on the debate, talk about it with your friends, buy a copy of their latest issue.  I mean, think about it, have you ever read an article on mums and working, breastfeeding etc. that discussed all facets of an issue and didn't just divide mums everywhere by making out there were only two sides - and one had to be the right? 

Now She Magazine will argue that if you read the article it actually presents Denise going back to work in a good light (and it does).  But I have to query if this is the case, why the heading on the front page is in black capital letters with two weeks underlined?  I know why - and I'm not falling for it anymore. 

FROM RACE DAY TO REALISATION IN 4 EASY STEPS

My first thought was 'no way!' No way am I ever, ever going to compete in a mums race at my daughter's school.  This year or any year.  I fumbled around for an excuse and came up with something along the lines of breastfeeding and tearing down a racetrack not mixing.

The truth of it was I was emotionally scarred from years of having to compete in school sports, always limping in last, cheeks burning.

Safely ensconced on the side lines I watched the other mums line up for the sound of the gun.  They varied in shape, size and dress.  A lot of them looked in worse shape than me.  However it wasn't until they were streaking past that it dawned on me:

1. Where once I always came in last, the playing field had levelled a bit.  

2. If I decided to run I might actually finish safely tucked in the middle of the pack. (I'm not deluded enough to actually think I would ever win!)

3. My opportunities as far as winning races had changed without even realising it. 

4. I was still leading my life according to events experienced when I was 10 or 11.

Beliefs and limitations I had taken for granted all my life were turned on their head. How many other opportunities had I missed without even questioning my choices? By the time the competitors tumbled across the finish line all red faces and wild hair I had decided to make sure future decisions were informed, and not based on someone I was 20 or 30 years ago.

I'm still not sure if you'll see me taking my place at the start line next year. But I do know that if I don't, I'll be making an enlightened choice. And who knows, maybe I'll still be breastfeeding...

THE MUMPRENEURS' MEOW

The comment cut clear across the room. One minute I'm getting tips on blogging, the next I'm listening to a Mumpreneur slagging off their competitor. I was shocked to say the least, partly because it was in front of a room full of people and partly because it came out of the mouth of a mum in business.

Now, I may be a babe in the wood but I really thought mums in business were different to most other types of business-folk in that they are so much more generous with their time, support and advice. At my Businessmums' Networking Lunches photographers sit side-by-side and help each other out (my events are non-exclusionary).

But this mum was proving herself the opposite of everything I had come to believe and try as I might, I couldn't understand the comment. Who starts a business with the belief they will never have any compeition? Who thinks that talking about a competitor in such a manner will make them look anything but unprofessional?

So mums, please join me in appreciating your competition. You will come out looking great and they will keep you on your toes. Plus, it's far cleverer to beat out your competitor by being better than them, rather than bagging them.

Have you been put down by your competition or given the cold shoulder by someone 'loyal' to your competitor? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

MULTI TASKING MUM TIP #4

Pop a white board or list on your fridge and train the family to write down any food or drinks when they finish them. That way, when you're writing your shopping list, you've already got a head start and don't have to check through all the cupboards and fridge to see what's missing. The family could also write down anything they may particularly want that week - for their lunch boxes or treats.

A LESSON IN BUSINESS DELIVERED WITH THE GROCERIES

I got my groceries delivered the other day. Nothing earth-shattering about that but what I experienced while I ordered my fruit and veg was.

So usually I am a Sainsburys or Tesco girl for the mix of price and service, and the loyalty cards. I love Waitrose but tend to think of them as a little expensive, however, the other day I got a voucher offering £15 off my first online order. I made sure to use it as the offer felt like a good sized amount and it meant the groceries wouldn't be anywhere near as expensive as what I felt they usually were.

Ordering was no different to the other supermarkets, however, delivery was where Ocado really came into their own. I got a free text reminding me of the impending delivery and any substitutions that had been made, the delivery docket also outlined the use by dates of all the products, all groceries were delivered in colour-coded bags for freezer, fridge and cupboard and the bags contained a sample of gourmet tea and a flyer documenting further services offered by Ocado. One of which I will take advantage of in the future.

I was left floored. Not only had Ocado got me to order from them when I was sure I never would, they impressed me so much with their service that I would go back again. And what had I learned?

1. That you need to understand what barriers there are to people not buying from you/using your service and develop offers that address this.
2. That you need to look at every point of contact with your clients and work out the best ways to impress at each stage.
3. That you need to engage in dialogue with my clients and see where you can improve.
4. That you need to look at your competitors and see what you can do better or differently.
5. That you can charge more for something, if you offer amazing service. Also, don't you think people talk more about the amazing service they got, as opposed to the cheap price?
6. That the little touches can make a huge difference!

TOP BUSINESS TIPS FROM EMMA JONES, ENTERPRISE NATION

I have been self-employed and running businesses for 11 years. That’s a little over a decade. And there’s a lot of learning that’s been crammed into that time!

So are there things I wish someone had told me when I was starting out? You bet! Here’s five of them.

1. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a Prince

I’m hoping with this as the first lesson, you’re still taking me seriously! What I mean by this is when you’re looking to partner with others to build your business, a number of these partnerships or relationships will fall by the wayside. The fit isn’t right, the other party doesn’t represent your brand in the way you wish, you’re not confident in their credentials – whatever the reason, don’t settle for anything less than the best – it’s your business that’s at stake!

2. Go with your gut

If a negotiation doesn’t feel right, finish it. It’s unlikely to get any better.

3. Follow the golden triangle

In keeping the business in balance, try to spend a third of your time on three things; business development, customer care, and admin.

4. Innovate, Innovate, Innovate

Strive to be first to market; whether that be with a new product or a new way to promote yourself/your service. Stand out from the crowd and take in as much as you can (by reading/watching/listening) as this helps creativity flow.

5. Be patient

Realising your vision may take a little longer than you thought but don’t ever let go of that vision. For me, patience is a virtue I’m still having to learn!

Emma Jones is founder of Enterprise Nation www.enterprisenation.com, a business expert and author of ‘Spare Room Start Up’ and ‘Working 5 to 9’. She is sharing her tips and advice at the Mothers Life Businessmums' Networking Lunch in association with Motivating Mum.

NETWORK WITH CONFIDENCE

I went to a meeting this Wednesday in town at Enterprise UK for a brainstorm with other female members of the steering group for Women's Enterprise Day.

What started as pride that I had been asked to join a group of remarkable women ended in fear that I had been asked to join a group of remarkable women. Reading the bios of all involved was an endless list of awards, titles, company names, experience - I was well and truly cr*pping myself! How was I supposed to walk into this room and say anything that wouldn't expose me for the largely inexperienced businessmum that I was?

To get the most out of this opportunity I knew I needed to walk in with more than quaking knees and squeaky voice so I did what any life coach would do, I coached myself!

The first thing I did was tell myself that bios are written to make people look great and the bios provided certainly did that! However, it didn't say how long it took them to get these awards and achieve their titles. Bios also don't outline fears, insecurities and failures.

I also reminded myself that, as I am a mum relatively new to business (3 years), I was able to truly represent my clients and members, their challenges and concerns in the meeting. I did have something very valid to offer!

What else? Well, I assured myself I was chosen to attend so the organisers must have seen something in me that maybe I hadn't and I focussed on the fact that I would be able to meet some amazing women in business and would learn a thing or two.

Lastly, I recognised this was a challenge and I could either overcome my fears and grow or miss an opportunity. When faced with this decision, I chose the former as I want my life to be about growth, learning, trying new things. And I did it. And it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I had made it to be in my head (it never is). And now I'll be able to walk into the same situation in the future and feel confident and prepared.

FEEL THE STRESS AND DO IT ANYWAY

So, one month into being a mum with a baby, a toddler and a business and I am a tad stressed. Add to that workload the fact that I only have two weeks to apply for a Visa for my partner for Australia (which usually takes most people a month or more to get together) and I am the closest I have ever been to going grey!

It's hard! Fitting a whole little person into a life that was already crammed to over-flowing. And, of course, initially you fool yourself into thinking you'll still do everything you did before but there are areas of your life that suffer, like sleep, like replying to emails, like Twitter and before you know it you're like a greyhound at the track trying to catch that rabbit. I knew I had reached this point the other day when I found myself gripping the steering wheel of the car, white knuckled. I was so wound up and tense thinking about all the things I hadn't achieved.

So, what to do? Well, number one is to believe everything that everyone tells you about having two. It is more than twice the work and god help you if they aren't a good eater, sleeper, are ill etc etc. In fact, prepare for the worst and then if it's any better than that, you'll almost feel you've been let off the hook!

Number two is to try and continue doing everything you want to but at the same time take note of what's not fitting in and think about why. Is it because you always wanted a good excuse not to fulfill this task? Does the time of day/week need to be changed to fit it in? Where would it fit better with your new responsibilities? Try moving things about. Fitting them in different slots and give yourself time to find a new fit.

Number three is to be honest about whether everything actually still fits in. When you put a brick in a bucket of water some of the water is displaced. Your time is the same. You only have a finite amount and adding a baby to the mix may mean other activities/chores will overflow. What can you let go (even if it's just for the time being)? What can you do smarter? What can you get other people to do? Rather than just allowing the the end of your to do list to get pushed back every day, conciously think about and choose what you want to maintain and achieve in your life and what you want to let go.

Number four is to allow a routine to reveal itself. Life, and babies, have their own natural rhythms and if you give them time you may find that things work out.

Number five is don't compare yourself to anyone else - or if you must do it (as we're all prone to) then remember what you're seeing is only a small percentage of the total picture. It's easy to believe that everyone else is doing so much better than you but it's most likely they're just putting a brave face on it when the washing and dishes are piling up, their email inbox is over flowing and they're so stressed they've bitten nails down to the quick!

Number six is to reflect on what you have achieved every day. That day in the car, instead of thinking of all I hadn't done, I started to think about what I had done; bathed and dressed Freya, dressed Amelie, made beds, played with Amelie, Twitter for 30 min, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, sent some emails, made two phone calls, chatted to my boyfriend, showered and dressed, washed dishes, washed and hung out clothes, updated my website, changed nappies... and lo and behold, I started to get some colour back in my knuckles!

TWITTER FOR TWITS

I had a very fab and informative session on Twitter this week with the extremely lovely and generous Sam Jones of www.samjonesphotography.co.uk. Although I am on Twitter quite a bit, it took a session with Sam to make me realise how much I still didn't know!

I would have to say the top 10 tips I took from the session would have to have been:

1. Even when you start up, have a good idea of the types of things you would like to know, learn and hear so you can determine who to follow. Rather than just following people willy nilly.

2. Treat Twitter like you would networking in person. How do you connect with people at these events? It's not by pushing a business card or flyer in their hand and walking off, it's about sharing and showing interest in the people you're interacting with.

3. The # in front of words means that when people search for particular terms or people i.e. #muminbusiness any tweets with that particular wording will show up.

4. It's great to have a picture of you as your profile pic so people can connect with you.

5. It's okay to post the same message a few times in the same week to ensure everyone sees it. I posted a pic of my new daughter five times and Sam still missed it!

6. Don't be afraid to unfollow people if their tweets are no longer relevant. Chances are they won't even realise you've stopped following.

7. Try and use some key terms in your bio that describe you and your business as people can find you in a search that way.

8. Don't under post as you just won't come upon people's radars at all.

9. Don't over post either - no one wants to know you're eating a bacon sandwich, you finished your bacon sandwich, you washed your plate...

10. When you're starting up, look at your competitors followers and follow them also. Chances are they'll be your market too.

.

9 DAYS OVERDUE AND CRYING, CRYING

So, as you know from my last post I started out this whole overdue process feeling very positive and proactive. I didn't, however, want to continue on projecting this message as I know there are probably a whole lot of mums out there feeling like me, who would like to know someone else feels the same. And I do. I feel stressed, strung out, pressured, tired and generally very, very down right about now.

Going overdue is a very exhausting process. 9 days overdue feels like about 9 years and every second is spent wondering when, every twinge is a possible sign of going into labour. On top of it all, my boyfriend didn't qualify for paternity and had to take holidays and every day the baby doesn't come is another day he won't be around when bub finally does decide to enter the world.

Then pile on pain when I try and walk long distances and a three-year old that just wants to run and play, very sore skin that has had enough being stretched across my stomach and carrying around a bowling ball every day!

The icing on the cake was my visit to the midwife yesterday. If any of you have gone overdue, you know the appointment I'm talking about - where they try everything to scare you into booking in for induction. Upon my refusal of a sweep and induction, a consultant was called in to spell out to me how every day over 42 weeks I was basically taking my child's life in my hands and that even if I came in for constant monitoring there was no guarantee the baby wouldn't stop breathing an hour after.

There was no outline of the cons of induction, not even a mention of the pain involved or the possible outcomes of this process. When I told her my plan for handling my pregnancy after 42 weeks, every statement was met with a grimace as if I was making the wrong choices. When I asked her what other people did she said she didn't have any answers as if no one else ever chose this option!

Now I completely understand that she needs to make me aware of the risks of going over 42 weeks but the way this appointment was handled made me feel as if there was even more pressure on me now. Every second I don't give birth brings me closer to 42 weeks and the point where I am making the decision to endanger my childs life or not. It is a very tough time and you have to be very strong in yourself to resist all that is going on around you when you feel in your heart you need to give your child the time it wants to be born.

So that's where I'm at now. Watching the seconds continue to tick by with no signs of labour, crying often and fighting every minute to maintain faith in myself and my choices. And in the end I know it will all work out...it's just getting there.

2 DAYS OVERDUE AND WAITING, WAITING!

Well, I knew it was going to happen and it has! I am two days overdue and waiting, waiting! Not that I am surprised at all. My daughter was 10 days overdue, I am built like the campervan of mothers so I am sure bub is enjoying the roominess of my huge belly and my boyfriend is so laid-back he's practically lying down - when you add all three factors, what do you get? A baby that is going to take it's own sweet time!

For those of you who have gone overdue, you'll understand why I'm writing this post. For those of you that haven't, allow me to paint a picture. Going overdue is like being told that Christmas is the 25th and you have all these presents under the tree that you can unwrap when that day comes, only when you get there, you're told that Christmas has been postponed. Not only that, it has been postponed indefinitely and that at any minute of any day it could happen but you won't know until it comes! Then look at those presents every minute of every day, wondering, waiting when you'll be allowed to celebrate!

Going overdue is kind of like this - but a million times worse as at Christmas you're not forced to carry a bowling ball round with you the whole time while trying to swallow down indigestion, wondering how you're going to tie your shoes!

So, how to deal with it?

1. Tell yourself you will go over and that your due date is anywhere up to two weeks after your due date. By focussing on your due date only you set yourself up for disappointment if you go over and if you come early or on your due date, it's a bonus!
2. Remind yourself that the longer your baby goes over, the bigger it gets. This is always good for babies as they are generally more developed, better at feeding and will sleep longer periods.
3. Prepare to be inundated by calls, emails etc asking if bub has come. You can either let the answering machine get it or remind yourself that people are only asking because they love you and they're not intentionally trying to remind you over and over that you haven't had the baby yet!
4. Plan little projects for yourself like catching up on photo albums, baby books, reuniting with old friends via facebook, writing blogs on going overdue...
5. Plan a facial if you go over three days, a manicure if you go over five days. Give yourself something to look forward to and there are loads of beauty therapists that come to you.
6. Kick back and let your partner wait on you.
7. Meditate/sleep

And if all else fails? Remember that this will be the last time you'll ever feel your little bub wriggling round inside of you, a part of you, and that from the minute you give birth your child will be gradually growing ever more independent and further away from that warm little bundle you grew and cherished for 9 months.

Cheers! Alli

WHAT I LEARNT FROM LAURA TENISON

From time to time during the three years running my business the issue of money has come up. Not the lack of it, I've always had enough to get by, but the question of whether my business was financially viable when all was said and done. The answer? I honestly have no idea. To date, I have never sat down and actually worked out how many hours I worked and whether I was running at a loss when I accounted for my hours. I love what I do so it seemed fine not to account for something that is just so fun!

My ex was the opposite. His first question when I would share good news with him on my business would always relate to cash. How much are you making? What is the profit? I used to get so annoyed as rather than sharing in my joy of achieving something personal it always boiled down to money. And, in the world of business, this is the norm.

Well, so I thought. But at the Laura Tenison (MD of Jo Jo Maman Bebe -http://www.jojomamanbebe.com/) lunch today, run by my associate Clare of SE London Mumpreneur Network (http://selondonmumpreneurs.blogspot.com/) she shared the unthinkable - money isn't important to her, job satisfaction is! I couldn't believe my ears as this is what I have been waiting for all my business life - to hear someone so successful in business share the fact that you can create a success built on crazy notions like doing something you love, investing in people, donating to charity.

It made me believe that maybe I could do it too - and wouldn't have to go down the road of trying to make people membership for Motivating Mum (something I have been advised to do but have always resisted) or increase my prices for lunches and events (as I want them to be accessible to everyone).

It also made me realise that there are different reasons people enter into business and it doesn't always have to be about making millions. Although in the pursuit of your passion, you just might make them anyway...